Why I Had a Portrait Session at 36

It’s been a year since my portrait session in Amsterdam with Nanda Hagenaars. I found her work after moving to Belgium, and the moment I saw it I thought: this is the photographer I would love to have my portraits taken by. Her work is emotive, and the way she sees human bodies is captivating.

I reached out to Nanda first in 2023 when I saw she was organising a Portrait Day. It was a short 30-minute shoot. The cost was slightly lower than a full dedicated session, which sounded appealing, but I didn’t want a rushed or stripped-down experience where you have no time to get to know the photographer or surroundings, little space to settle in and just enjoy the shoot fully. So my focus shifted to a full shoot, which I hadn’t budgeted for and didn’t successfully save for either. I just wanted to do it around my birthday.

It was my 36th. I wanted to do it at 35, when that number felt magical, like a midpoint. By 36 I felt like I could no longer postpone it.

I wanted to remember and capture this time in photographs. These last years, this in-between and evolving state. I wanted to remember myself in a foreign country, with no easy path to see the ones I love, working, building a business, and simply living life day by day.

The shoot I almost talked myself out of

Getting ready for the shoot and figuring out what to wear was a disaster! I was pushing it away. I was trying to find a dress that I had in mind but nothing really stood out. Eventually, I just tried on what I had, did one more review later, and packed everything that would fit in my bag.

The day before and the morning of the trip, I wasn’t feeling it. I questioned if I really needed all this. The expenses. Three days for it. Somehow it reminded me of leaving Ukraine, maybe because I was packing the night before and early in the morning, like it was back then.

After I packed though, I felt much better. At ease.

That feeling lasted until the morning, when I learned the public transport in Antwerp was on strike.

Getting there (the strike, the dress, the bad dream)

I planned to take the train but some of them started having fifteen-minute delays, so I decided to go for a tram. BAAAAD IDEA, BAD! Never choose a transport affected by a strike! NEVER. First of all, it was super stressful waiting for it and thinking that if it will not come, I will be left with no other option to be on time. Second of all, when it arrived, it was paaaacked! It was crazy. Next thing – you can be just stuck among the people and not being able to leave the tram. Despite all of this, I did arrive on time.

As I arrived to Amsterdam, I felt out of place again. Everything seemed foreign and I started questioning the whole thing for the second time.

Then I discovered a huge bathtub in my hotel room. I hadn’t had a bath in more than two years, which sounds dramatic, but long baths were one of the main features of my life before Belgium and living without one means missing out on a lot. The task for the evening became finding bubbles, something to chew, something to drink, and shampoo, because the hotel hadn’t supplied any. SHOCKER.

That evening, reviewing my inspiration images, I was feeling that I still needed the dress I had in mind and hadn’t found. The shops were closed. The only option was to wake up early and go shopping before the shoot.

I woke up at 5 AM from a bad dream. In it, it was my shoot, the photographer looked nothing like Nanda, everything felt out of place, and the makeup artist had turned me into an Ice Queen with white makeup and a tree-like Ikebana on my head. – Not what I had in mind 🙈.

Funny how dreams distort what you’re most looking forward to.

In the morning, I went straight to Mango and Zara to look for a dress I had in mind. In the first shop I found the dress I’d imagined! Elegant, fitted, simple. I visited a few more stores but nothing came close. I was sooooo glad I made it!

The studio that reminded me of home

The studio was tucked next to a park, quiet and atmospheric. An old building with a high ceiling and wooden window frames that reminded me of my family home in the village. The porch there is where we spent so much time, one of the best spots for a cup of tea. Looking at that window frame, I asked Nanda if we could do a few shots there. I’m glad I did. The studio has since moved.

And those photos will always be a reminder of one of my favorite places on Earth.

I wanted to go full in for this shoot. Hair, makeup, all of it. I wanted somebody else to create magic on me and just to give myself a bit of that polished, special look. Natural but glamorous, with more color, and my natural features enhanced. It was BEAUTIFUL!

The whole day I felt like a star and thought I should do this more often. ✨

The shoot itself was inspiring, reflective, calm, a little daring. A bit outside my comfort zone, in the best way. Being early in my own photography business, I saw a vision of the future in it. What it could look like to have a studio next to a park, with parrots singing outside and lush green seen through old window frames. What it is to be creative and present in what you do, where you do it, and for whom.

It also reminded me to take care of myself. To care for my hair, my body, my mind. To find time to pause and rest. Be active and not carried away with all the tasks you need to do, forgetting the life around you.

The flow was calm. We were just being present, chatting from time to time.

You come to a place and to people you’ve never met, and then you entrust them to capture you in this moment in time, in this body, with or without all your worries or stiffness.

What I learned from seeing the photos

Leaving was bittersweet. The magic of those three days would dissolve into the everyday. Or wouldn’t it?

The train ride home was golden. Sunshine, a book, peaceful thoughts.

At home, I printed everything as loose prints. I plan to also print a large wall art. Fine art paper with no glass over it, or shiny metal. As a reminder of that time. To feel it.

When I was reviewing my photos and selecting my favorites, I shared the link with my mom and a couple of friends. And I was surprised by what they chose as their favorites. They loved images I wouldn’t have picked. And then I realized: they chose images based on how they see ME in life. I was choosing the ones that matched the static look I see in the mirror. They see the whole thing. Movement, expression, imperfection. And they love all of it.

Why I started Signature 30

A year on, I still haven’t put a large print on the wall, which is its own kind of evidence about how these things actually go.

But I still have a record of the woman I was at 36, in this country, in this in-between, before whatever comes next. I wanted to offer that to other women in their 30s who feel some version of the same pull.

Not a confidence shoot. Not a brand session. A portrait of who she is right now, before this version of her changes.

That’s what Signature 30 is.

The portrait you’ll want when you’re 55.

– Daria